Thursday, July 14, 2011

Planked Platform

Here at my campaign headquarters we're busy building a platform of planks that can support more rhetoric and amass more financial contributions than any of the other candidates altogether.  Yes, my fellow and fellowette Americans, David Wayne and I are working tirelessly to team lead ourselves to Pennsylvania Avenue.

I know you've been watching the news, and so have we.  Things are getting so interesting that we've decided to take other candidates' ideas and turn them to our advantage.  Here are a couple of the projects we're working on -- just the tip of the iceberg of warm and fuzzy change.


First of all, we marvel at Mr. Michele Bachmann's tireless efforts to convert people's sexuality for them.  But why stop there?  As your president I pledge we can change you from a Republican to a Democrat, or vice versa. 

Are you a "green" citizen now but wish you could live the life of a rich short-sighted self-centered oil company executive who drives a gas guzzler and refuses to buy energy-saving appliances?  We can help! 

Perhaps that college degree in ethics is standing in the way of your dreams of tax loopholes and expensive gifts from lobbyists.  We can help!

Having found an "exciting career" in the information technology field thanks to your new online degree, do you now wish to banish every bit and byte from your brain cells and go live in the desert where there's no electricity?  We can help!

Does your spouse commit adultery with the kitchen help without consequence, and you'd like to do the same?  We can help!

Raising the Debt Ceiling

We admit this is serious business, so we've had our finest minds working on the issue.  Taking a cue from the Right Reverend Sen. Mitch McConnell, we propose that everyone take a pledge of loyalty to Tommy Gavin of the television series Rescue Me.  Then we shall simply repeal and ignore the debt ceiling.  Who cares what the world's financial markets think of our household budgeting skills?  We're America, damn it, and we won't be held back by such antiquated ideas as fiscal responsibility!

Help Us Help You

Once I am elected president, I will fling open the Doors of Opportunity to you and only you.  No longer will you have to sit in front of your TV and wish you could afford those inbetween-the-toes washing shoes or have wild, unbridled sex with that movie star.  I, as your president, will work tirelessly to help you reach your goals of weight loss and and unlimited fudge brownies.

But running a campaign is expensive.  Make generous contributions to my campaign and make them often.  Together we can create the kind of America you want -- full of opportunity and plenty for you and yours and only you and yours.  Give today!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Campaign Update / June 16, 2011

We've been very busy with the campaign the past couple of weeks, and I think the fruits of our efforts are pretty obvious to everyone by now.

First, we exposed Rep. Weiner's bad behavior. We were forced to use Weiner in order to reveal the existence of the Secret Congressional Gym & Photography Parlor to the American citizens (you) who pay for it. Congressmen who want to use the gym must pay a whopping fee of $20 a month. Yes, you read that correctly -- $20 a month. I personally have to pay $20 in order to avoid a gym membership! How do those jokers get dirt cheap memberships?

Next, all of Newt Gingrich's senior campaign staff resigned. The public explanation was a difference of philosophy, but I think you can guess the truth. Once Gingrich's staff found out I had announced my candidacy, they knew their cause was lost. Gingrich tried to persuade them to stay, going so far as to promise to take them on his next cruise, but they refused to stay.

The third great event of my campaign was President Obama's trip to Puerto Rico. Yes, my fine American citizens, we have been hard at work helping the people of Puerto Rico prepare to join the United States as its 51st state. Look for an official announcement soon -- those electoral votes will be vital to my election.

Let's talk for a moment about the national debt. There's a lot of discussion on The Hill about raising the debt limit -- should we? shouldn't we? As you know, I am a fiscal conservative when it comes to my personal money, and a flaming liberal when it comes to yours. I say, "The sky's the limit!" to raising the debt limit. How else will the world accept our American Express Gold Card for those last-minute purchases? Just imagine how embarrassing it would be for us to be purchase, say, 27 million miniature reproductions of the Washington Monument made in China and to have our card declined because we're over our limit? We're the United States, darn it, we have no limits!

You may feel confident that David Wayne and I are spending your contributions wisely to pave the way to the White House, so continue to give generously!

Remember that I'm always available to answer your questions; just click here.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Charli, the Campaign Manager

What will your constituency do when they realize that you take orders from your campaign manager? 

Thanks for your insightful question.  Charli, my brown and green parrot, is my campaign manager.  This means she works for me, not me for her.  Charli takes broad views of events and helps keep our campaign on target.  She is a parrot of few words, which is rarity these days, but she always means business.

Sunday, June 5, 2011


Ladies and gentlemen this is Ralph Serious with a WWN (World Wide News) special edition.  As you know highly important judiciary official David Wayne has declared he would confirm plans for his political future as soon as he could stop laughing from the thought that Donald Trump was seriously considering running for president.  Today, in a small town in the midwest, Mr. Wayne has called a press conference.  Actually he called it yesterday but that's the way things go in politics.  To talk more about what this long awaited for announcement may be we'll talk to our national political correspondent, Connie Blondchick.  Are you there, Connie?

Good afternoon, Ralph.  After weeks of waiting speculation runs high as to the political future of David Wayne, holder of one of the most important judiciary offices in the United States, second only, perhaps, to the old lady that gives you the paperwork to prove you've paid your parking tickets so that you can get your car out of police impound.  As you know, the current administration's offer of a seat on the Supreme Court was interpreted by some as a way to remove Mr. Wayne from consideration in the 2012 presidential race.  We do know that since he declined the nomination frontrunners in both parties have been desperately looking for ways to counteract his intelligence, honesty, charisma, and astonishing good looks in case he decided to run.

True, Connie.  And since you've been following this story for a while, could you tell us what you personally think is probably Mr. Wayne's greatest atttribute?

Undoubtedly his humility.

Wait a minute!  We've just received word that Mr. Wayne, accompanied by his supermodel/actress wife is approaching the podium.  We now take you live . . .

My fellow Americans.  It is obvious that we currently face the greatest challenges that our, and perhaps any, nation has faced in history.  I do not have to enumerate the threats facing our great nation.  We are all aware of the percentage of Americans unemployed, the increasing government deficit, the continuing threat of terrorism, the battle over health care, a stalled economy and a deadlocked Congress and a substantial increase in music oriented reality programs.

I have sat back for the last three years and watched both parties in Congress gripe and snipe and propose and dispose but accomplish nothing.  That is why, today, I come before the American people to announce my acceptance of the invitation extended by Marguerite Floyd to run as her candidate for Vice President of the United States.

This decision was not made lightly.  I realize that my efforts on behalf of my party and this country will cost a great deal of time and effort and therefore the recently obtained DVD set of every episode of Doctor Who ever made in HD DVD may stay in the box for a long, long time.  I had to make a decision as to the Monday night Texas Hold'em games in my brotherin-law's basement.  But after discussing the matter with Ms. Floyd and my supermodel wife I have no choice but to selflessly place myself at the disposal of my fellow citizens.

The invitation to run with Ms. Floyd is a great honor.  Why?

First, Ms. Floyd is universally considered the most qualified candidate in the field by the most powerful and intelligent group in the United States today.  Parrots.  You will not find one parrot who supports Romney or Palin or the incumbent.  That should tell you something.

Second, Ms. Floyd, like myself, has not received any money at all from powerful lobbies, corporations, or interest groups.  Of course, we haven't been offered any either.  This should prove to the American people that we cannot be bought.

Third, Ms. Floyd, has the most vital asset anyone could have to really bring about change in this country: a natural bullshit detector.

She knows, as do I, that health care could be solved if people in power really cared about it.  But what's to care about it since all member of Congress get free health care for the rest of their lives.

She knows, as do I, that you can't begin to dedicate yourself to protecting this country's freedoms if you designate people who believe different from you as unAmerican or condemned by God.

She knows, as do I, that if the rich continue to get richer while the poor continue to get poored there is no way possible for the economy to recover.

She knows, as do I, that if you're really against entitlements you would show that by refusing any that you are offered.

She knows, as do I, that House may be waaaaaay over the top but you still have to do what he says or the patient will start bleeding out of every body orifice.

And anybody who tells you otherwise is full of it.

So, my fellow Americans, as we stand up to face what might perhaps be this nation's darkest hour I encourage each and every one of you to do the one thing that just might save our country.


And I invite everyone to the inauguration January of 2013.  GOD BLESS THIS COUNTRY!

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Madame Candidate, had u researched Acme, Inc, you would see their faulty safety record and low consumer scores puts them at risk of imminent harm toward your fine feathered constituency. I, personally, have been in touch with one Wile E. Coyote, Esq, who has found out first hand, on multiple occasions, just how unsafe their product line really is. That is why I believe I am better suited for the presidency. I am, however, looking for a running mate. Right now it's a toss up between you and Mr R. Runner.
Since I have vowed to run a positive campaign I will not mention here, in this public forum, the numerous ambulances chased by Wile E. Coyote, Esq.  Nor will I mention here your F- in elementary spelling.  Making up false research data does not make one a suitable presidential candidate; I make up only true research data, which is why I can be trusted to lead this great nation and its great people to further years of greatness.
Now go away.  You bother me, kid.
Given that Fox News reports that you are not a US citizen, and instead were born in New Mexico, do you plan to release the long form of your birth certificate?

One of the things that makes this country great is our free press.  People are allowed to say whatever they wish.  But with that freedom comes responsibility -- responsibility to speak the truth, to get all the facts, and to avoid lies and untruths, cheap tricks, and flashy expensive advertising.  Unfortunately, Fox News is an unscrupulous news entity that thinks nothing of publishing lies and fabrications.  You have only to look at their fans (my opponents among them) to see how low they will go to improve their ratings.

Thank you for the opportunity to educate the American people about their rights and their freedom of speech.


I too am concerned about this, as I had also heard rumors. After all, we all know you share your home with immigrants from Africa and Australia which makes you highly suspect in my book. Why don't you have American species of parrots? My own feathered dependent is (South) American, after all.

And along those lines, do we know if those birds of yours are legal or not? Has anyone seen their papers? I surely wouldn’t put it past that little green and brown critter to have snuck into our fine country illegally.

As I stated previously, I have never employed an alien, legal or not.  All the species in my home are 100% American citizens and proud of it!  They are an integral part of my campaign and I am honored to accept their help.

In the interest of running a positive campaign, I will not point out that my opponents harbor foreign species in their homes, feed only "approved" diets to their birds (no treats), and have not paid taxes since the turn of the century.  There is also a rumor that they are in contact with extraterrestrial aliens, but I will not be party to spreading around rumors.

Questionable Citizenship?

Senator Dylan Cockatiel also appreciates the importance of sunflower seeds. As president, I would hope that you would be interested in ensuring that all birds receive the most appropriate treats. And plenty of them! I am beginning to wonder, however, if you are truly an American citizen. This is based on your less than perfect support of the No Bird Left Unscritched bill. I've heard you might have been born in New Mexico. A Concerned Citizen

Dear Concerned Citizen: I can assure you that I am as American as Old Glory herself.  New Mexico is, in fact, a state within the United States, just as American as Ohio or Florida.  Many people are under the mistaken impression that New Mexico is a foreign country, and I place the blame for their ignorance at the door of our corrupt left/right wing parties who've shackled themselves to special interests at the expense of this nation's children's education.

Senator Cockatiel and I have discussed the importance of variety in the seed diet many times.  He and I are in complete agreement on the matter, and I am proud to work with him.

More on the Millet in Every Dish Protocol

My constituent Sam Macaw would prefer sunflower seeds be substituted rather than millet. So that would make it the Sunflower Seeds in Every Dish protocol.  At her advanced age, millet is entirely too tiny for her arthritic feet, so she considers it to be prejudicial to our large age-challenged population to include millet in this bill. Surely all good Americans (and other species from other countries) can agree on sunflower seeds.

Thank you for your insight into what is a very important part of the No Bird Left Unscritched bill.  As you know, I am in favor of whatever you pay me to favor, and this certainly includes sunflower seeds for those species of more advanced age.  I myself am of advanced age as compared to Justin Beiber, and I can certainly understand the difficulty of picking up tiny seeds.

In the interest of fairness to all citizens in this great country I will be proposing an amendment to the No Head Left Unscritched bill that will allow a sunflower seed exemption for those who qualify.  In fact, I already have an appointment with the CEO of Acme Sunflower Seeds, Inc., Ltd., to discuss the feasibility of a long-term study proposing exemptions for special interest parties.


I suppose it would be inappropriate to ask you if I could be a computer tech at the White House, if you win. I'm sure that would be construed as an attempt to sell my vote . . . but I think I'd like to move to Crystal City for a while.

All of us at campaign headquarters would be delighted to have you as our head computer technician.  Please contact our campaign manager, Charli, with your resume and lists of any other contributions you can make to the campaign.  And welcome aboard!

Clarification of Charli's Position

Thank you for your timely reply, and thank you for encouraging me to keep in touch. So I have another question. You said:

"No longer will special interests be allowed to influence policy or serve the few over the many."

Sooooo, if you get elected, does that mean that Charli will NOT be making all the decisions behind the scene?

I believe I was as plain about my stance on this as possible, but let me try to respond from a different angle.  Each member of my administration is a valuable addition, chosen for their wisdom, their love of country, their service to the country, and dedication to my principles and beliefs.  I believe in the creativity of our citizens, and it is no different for the creativity of my staff.

I am aware that certain unAmerican entities are trying to make me out to be a less than ideal candidate, but all you have to do is look at my record to see where I stand.

Thank you again for allowing me to clarify this matter for you.

No Bird Left Unscritched

Do you (and Charli) support the Millet in Every Dish protocol as presented by D. Cockatiel in the No Bird Left Unscritched bill? 

As you know, cockatiels hold a special place in my heart.  The No Bird Left Unscritched bill was originally designed to include all birds, as I'm sure you know.  However, by the time special interest groups were done with it, it resembles nothing so much as a piece of newspaper on the bottom of the cage.

Millet scarcity is rampant in this country, and I believe it is time we stop pretending it's not a problem.  Our nation can only be as strong as our most vulnerable citizens.  You can depend on me to fight for the right of all citizens, no matter their color or skin covering.

Thank you for your interest in my stance on the issues.

Charli, the Decision Maker?

If you are elected, will Charli be the actual decision-maker? She seemed a tad opinionated when I met her. And can you get her to switch to red, white and blue feathers? Green is so … unAmerican …

Thank you so much for your insightful question.  I am so heartened to hear from so many of my concerned citizens about the issues that really matter to them.

I want to assure you that everyone on my staff and in my administration share my beliefs and hopes and desires for this great country, and that we are all committed to working together to bring this nation back to its rightful place as the leader of the world.  No longer will special interests be allowed to influence policy or serve the few over the many.

Thank you again for your question.  Please don't hesitate to keep in touch.