Thursday, July 14, 2011

Planked Platform

Here at my campaign headquarters we're busy building a platform of planks that can support more rhetoric and amass more financial contributions than any of the other candidates altogether.  Yes, my fellow and fellowette Americans, David Wayne and I are working tirelessly to team lead ourselves to Pennsylvania Avenue.

I know you've been watching the news, and so have we.  Things are getting so interesting that we've decided to take other candidates' ideas and turn them to our advantage.  Here are a couple of the projects we're working on -- just the tip of the iceberg of warm and fuzzy change.


First of all, we marvel at Mr. Michele Bachmann's tireless efforts to convert people's sexuality for them.  But why stop there?  As your president I pledge we can change you from a Republican to a Democrat, or vice versa. 

Are you a "green" citizen now but wish you could live the life of a rich short-sighted self-centered oil company executive who drives a gas guzzler and refuses to buy energy-saving appliances?  We can help! 

Perhaps that college degree in ethics is standing in the way of your dreams of tax loopholes and expensive gifts from lobbyists.  We can help!

Having found an "exciting career" in the information technology field thanks to your new online degree, do you now wish to banish every bit and byte from your brain cells and go live in the desert where there's no electricity?  We can help!

Does your spouse commit adultery with the kitchen help without consequence, and you'd like to do the same?  We can help!

Raising the Debt Ceiling

We admit this is serious business, so we've had our finest minds working on the issue.  Taking a cue from the Right Reverend Sen. Mitch McConnell, we propose that everyone take a pledge of loyalty to Tommy Gavin of the television series Rescue Me.  Then we shall simply repeal and ignore the debt ceiling.  Who cares what the world's financial markets think of our household budgeting skills?  We're America, damn it, and we won't be held back by such antiquated ideas as fiscal responsibility!

Help Us Help You

Once I am elected president, I will fling open the Doors of Opportunity to you and only you.  No longer will you have to sit in front of your TV and wish you could afford those inbetween-the-toes washing shoes or have wild, unbridled sex with that movie star.  I, as your president, will work tirelessly to help you reach your goals of weight loss and and unlimited fudge brownies.

But running a campaign is expensive.  Make generous contributions to my campaign and make them often.  Together we can create the kind of America you want -- full of opportunity and plenty for you and yours and only you and yours.  Give today!

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