Saturday, May 28, 2011

Madame Candidate, had u researched Acme, Inc, you would see their faulty safety record and low consumer scores puts them at risk of imminent harm toward your fine feathered constituency. I, personally, have been in touch with one Wile E. Coyote, Esq, who has found out first hand, on multiple occasions, just how unsafe their product line really is. That is why I believe I am better suited for the presidency. I am, however, looking for a running mate. Right now it's a toss up between you and Mr R. Runner.
Since I have vowed to run a positive campaign I will not mention here, in this public forum, the numerous ambulances chased by Wile E. Coyote, Esq.  Nor will I mention here your F- in elementary spelling.  Making up false research data does not make one a suitable presidential candidate; I make up only true research data, which is why I can be trusted to lead this great nation and its great people to further years of greatness.
Now go away.  You bother me, kid.
Given that Fox News reports that you are not a US citizen, and instead were born in New Mexico, do you plan to release the long form of your birth certificate?

One of the things that makes this country great is our free press.  People are allowed to say whatever they wish.  But with that freedom comes responsibility -- responsibility to speak the truth, to get all the facts, and to avoid lies and untruths, cheap tricks, and flashy expensive advertising.  Unfortunately, Fox News is an unscrupulous news entity that thinks nothing of publishing lies and fabrications.  You have only to look at their fans (my opponents among them) to see how low they will go to improve their ratings.

Thank you for the opportunity to educate the American people about their rights and their freedom of speech.


I too am concerned about this, as I had also heard rumors. After all, we all know you share your home with immigrants from Africa and Australia which makes you highly suspect in my book. Why don't you have American species of parrots? My own feathered dependent is (South) American, after all.

And along those lines, do we know if those birds of yours are legal or not? Has anyone seen their papers? I surely wouldn’t put it past that little green and brown critter to have snuck into our fine country illegally.

As I stated previously, I have never employed an alien, legal or not.  All the species in my home are 100% American citizens and proud of it!  They are an integral part of my campaign and I am honored to accept their help.

In the interest of running a positive campaign, I will not point out that my opponents harbor foreign species in their homes, feed only "approved" diets to their birds (no treats), and have not paid taxes since the turn of the century.  There is also a rumor that they are in contact with extraterrestrial aliens, but I will not be party to spreading around rumors.

Questionable Citizenship?

Senator Dylan Cockatiel also appreciates the importance of sunflower seeds. As president, I would hope that you would be interested in ensuring that all birds receive the most appropriate treats. And plenty of them! I am beginning to wonder, however, if you are truly an American citizen. This is based on your less than perfect support of the No Bird Left Unscritched bill. I've heard you might have been born in New Mexico. A Concerned Citizen

Dear Concerned Citizen: I can assure you that I am as American as Old Glory herself.  New Mexico is, in fact, a state within the United States, just as American as Ohio or Florida.  Many people are under the mistaken impression that New Mexico is a foreign country, and I place the blame for their ignorance at the door of our corrupt left/right wing parties who've shackled themselves to special interests at the expense of this nation's children's education.

Senator Cockatiel and I have discussed the importance of variety in the seed diet many times.  He and I are in complete agreement on the matter, and I am proud to work with him.

More on the Millet in Every Dish Protocol

My constituent Sam Macaw would prefer sunflower seeds be substituted rather than millet. So that would make it the Sunflower Seeds in Every Dish protocol.  At her advanced age, millet is entirely too tiny for her arthritic feet, so she considers it to be prejudicial to our large age-challenged population to include millet in this bill. Surely all good Americans (and other species from other countries) can agree on sunflower seeds.

Thank you for your insight into what is a very important part of the No Bird Left Unscritched bill.  As you know, I am in favor of whatever you pay me to favor, and this certainly includes sunflower seeds for those species of more advanced age.  I myself am of advanced age as compared to Justin Beiber, and I can certainly understand the difficulty of picking up tiny seeds.

In the interest of fairness to all citizens in this great country I will be proposing an amendment to the No Head Left Unscritched bill that will allow a sunflower seed exemption for those who qualify.  In fact, I already have an appointment with the CEO of Acme Sunflower Seeds, Inc., Ltd., to discuss the feasibility of a long-term study proposing exemptions for special interest parties.


I suppose it would be inappropriate to ask you if I could be a computer tech at the White House, if you win. I'm sure that would be construed as an attempt to sell my vote . . . but I think I'd like to move to Crystal City for a while.

All of us at campaign headquarters would be delighted to have you as our head computer technician.  Please contact our campaign manager, Charli, with your resume and lists of any other contributions you can make to the campaign.  And welcome aboard!

Clarification of Charli's Position

Thank you for your timely reply, and thank you for encouraging me to keep in touch. So I have another question. You said:

"No longer will special interests be allowed to influence policy or serve the few over the many."

Sooooo, if you get elected, does that mean that Charli will NOT be making all the decisions behind the scene?

I believe I was as plain about my stance on this as possible, but let me try to respond from a different angle.  Each member of my administration is a valuable addition, chosen for their wisdom, their love of country, their service to the country, and dedication to my principles and beliefs.  I believe in the creativity of our citizens, and it is no different for the creativity of my staff.

I am aware that certain unAmerican entities are trying to make me out to be a less than ideal candidate, but all you have to do is look at my record to see where I stand.

Thank you again for allowing me to clarify this matter for you.

No Bird Left Unscritched

Do you (and Charli) support the Millet in Every Dish protocol as presented by D. Cockatiel in the No Bird Left Unscritched bill? 

As you know, cockatiels hold a special place in my heart.  The No Bird Left Unscritched bill was originally designed to include all birds, as I'm sure you know.  However, by the time special interest groups were done with it, it resembles nothing so much as a piece of newspaper on the bottom of the cage.

Millet scarcity is rampant in this country, and I believe it is time we stop pretending it's not a problem.  Our nation can only be as strong as our most vulnerable citizens.  You can depend on me to fight for the right of all citizens, no matter their color or skin covering.

Thank you for your interest in my stance on the issues.

Charli, the Decision Maker?

If you are elected, will Charli be the actual decision-maker? She seemed a tad opinionated when I met her. And can you get her to switch to red, white and blue feathers? Green is so … unAmerican …

Thank you so much for your insightful question.  I am so heartened to hear from so many of my concerned citizens about the issues that really matter to them.

I want to assure you that everyone on my staff and in my administration share my beliefs and hopes and desires for this great country, and that we are all committed to working together to bring this nation back to its rightful place as the leader of the world.  No longer will special interests be allowed to influence policy or serve the few over the many.

Thank you again for your question.  Please don't hesitate to keep in touch.